By 
Today, as I’ve done for nearly a decade, I’m up around 4:45 and I turn on the TV to catch part of a Law & Order SVU episode. Then, to have something a bit lighter, I watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Finally, I turn to the news to get an idea of the weather for the day. It’s starting out cool, which sounds like the perfect excuse to put on a dress coupled with my favorite teaching sweater. For some reason, I’m all about a good teaching sweater. After donning my sweater, I hop in my car and prepare to teach the future. Today, this preparation includes listening to some mellow music, though other days I opt for something a bit more hype.
Going into the profession, I saw myself sitting criss-cross applesauce until retiring, or until I was no longer able to get up and down easily and had to sit in a chair on the carpet. Either way, I planned to be in the classroom for the long haul. Regretfully, after nearly a decade of ups and downs that will no longer be the case.
Throughout the current school year, I have gone back and forth about whether I would return to the classroom next year. Even after the doctor ordered me to take time off from work for a few days due to stress that had manifested itself in a physical way, I was still debating. I wanted to be there for my current and future students, but I also needed to be there for myself. Finally, in April I declared my intent not to return. I’d probably still be debating today (the last day of school) but we must declare our intent in April or incur a fine if we leave.
During the time where I was trying to figure out my future in the classroom, I created numerous pro-con lists, talked to friends and family who’d heard my teaching stories, and talked to a handful of colleagues that I trusted. Some days, I felt relieved at the thought of the quality of life that I would gain by not returning. Other days, I felt guilty at the thought of abandoning my kids – those I’d taught in past years and who visit me most mornings before going to class, and those I have yet to meet. Yesterday, I told one of my students from last year that I wouldn’t be returning next year, she hugged me tight and said, “No, you can’t leave me.” I felt (and still feel) like I needed to be there for my past, current, and future students, and by not being there, I’m letting them down.
I recently read an article that highlighted the problem of teachers leaving mid-year. I became so upset reading the article and the insinuation that only ineffective teachers leave, or that when teachers leave, they’re not thinking about the students. The misconception portrayed by the article has become my obsession. It may be easier to believe that teachers leave because they themselves are ineffective. It gives us a target towards which to point a finger of blame whenever something goes amiss in the classroom. The reality, though, is that sometimes good teachers, dedicated teachers, simply cannot take it anymore. My kids count for about 10 reasons to stay for every con that I wrote on my list. At the end of the day, though, the cons won.
A major con was getting over the system that has become education in America. As a teacher, there are so many things that are beyond my control. Lack of physical resources, deliverables, professional development that’s not differentiated (which is ironic since teachers are expected to differentiate our lessons), lack of time to address social-emotional needs, just to name a few. There’s only so much I can do since I feel that I have very little control. Of all the things that are beyond my control, I’ve found it most difficult to meet my students’ needs while meeting district requirements.
I constantly struggle between doing what is developmentally appropriate for my students and keeping my job. When I moved to kindergarten, I was so excited about the dramatic play materials I planned to buy. I remember asking a colleague who’d been teaching kindergarten for nearly 30 years for recommendations and she regretfully informed me that dramatic play has disappeared from kindergarten.
When I tell people that I teach kindergarten, one of their first responses is, “Aww, how cute.” Yes, my kids are super cute, however, the art of teaching kindergarten isn’t as “cute” as one may think. Dramatic play has been replaced by close reading, guided reading, guided math, tracking data, identifying sight words, number sentences, articulating strategies to solve word problems, accountable talk, and weekly assessments. Anything else is not considered time-on-task or teaching with a sense of urgency. They don’t have time to just be cute kids, particularly when I know (and am constantly reminded of) what’s at stake with their education. Kindergarten looks more like first grade.
When I break out something exciting like blocks (which I often reserve for Fun Friday), I make sure I have an exit ticket and pray an evaluator doesn’t walk in the room. Though it may not look like it, they’re learning through play, which is an authentic form of learning. They’re building, problem-solving, sharing, talking – this is learning! But like I said, due to the fear of getting a low evaluation score (which is tied to both my pay and keeping my job), activities like blocks and puzzles are reserved for Fun Friday.
All of that to say, I’m taking a break from a system where I feel like I’m contributing to the problem instead of the solution. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are learning. I’ve taught them to read, write, solve math problems, and to be good people, all while building genuine relationships with my students. Unfortunately, this teaching and learning is not taking place in an ideal environment. It’s an environment where I’m constantly afraid of who may walk into my classroom and what they’ll say or think upon leaving.
Teachers are often evaluated on rather minimal evidence of our practice. Maybe on a 30-minute classroom observation or test scores as evidence of students’ mastery of skills and standards at the end of the year. Some people who are charged with evaluating teachers or determining mandates have unrealistic expectations of what teaching and learning look like, sound like, and feel like. I maintain high expectations and strive for mastery, but these expectations can take a toll on teachers. This is especially the case in an environment where the primary focus is a specific level of mastery instead of growth.
For me, this step away from the classroom is also about self-care and preservation, which is a topic that is often overlooked when discussing teacher retention. While advocating for my students, I find that I am also advocating for myself and my own educational philosophy. So many times, I’ve fought to have my students’ growth recognized, which (on occasion) had a modest impact on my evaluation scores. The constant fighting can be draining. I’m stressed, and more importantly, the kids are stressed. The thought of a kindergarten student being stressed and knowing that they have at least 12 years of school remaining breaks my heart. In such a stressful environment, teaching isn’t sustainable. I’ve realized that there’s no way I can be there for my students if I’m not first taken care of…it’s just not possible.
Usually, I play “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince to celebrate my final day of school as I’m cleaning up my classroom before leaving for the summer break. I haven’t decided if I’ll play it today because I imagine I’ll be in a somber mood as I’m packing up my belongings for the never-ending summer. I will try to be a little happy as I embark on a new journey. I have always been, and am confident I will remain, passionate about helping young people. I hope to continue to have the opportunity to do just that through my part-time work, which is also in the field of education. In the meantime, I plan to kick off my mini-sabbatical with some travel, which is made possible by my frugal tendencies. It’s scary, overwhelming, and exciting at the same time. Feel free to follow me as I embark on a new journey. I hope that this journey will rejuvenate me and that I will make my way back to the classroom at some point.
For now, I will put on my favorite teaching sweater and enjoy my last day in the classroom. I will reflect on my teaching experience, which was filled with many lessons that have helped me grow as a teacher and as a person. It has been as much a pleasure to learn from my students as it has been to teach them. I can only hope that the lessons I have imparted on them have a lasting impact on their academic careers, and equally important, their character.
Hi, Marissa! A teacher friend posted this blog post on FB and I was really drawn to it. I feel for you and all the pros and cons that you weighed out. My mom was a kindergarten (and then 1st grade) teacher for almost 30 years and my husband has taught junior high and high school math for over a decade and they can both relate to how the educational system has been degraded over the years. The fact that you have thought through this so much and have such a heart for your students is major proof that you were a wonderful teacher. I hope you can rest in the grace of that as you decompress in your travels.
Secondly, I wanted to share an opportunity with you that could be a neat place to redirect your compassion, desire to serve, and heart for education. I work with an organization called Trades of Hope (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQOLZORgf3A) and we empower women and their families out of poverty around the world through the sustainable business of bringing their beautiful Fair Trade products to the American Marketplace. And we donate 10% of our profits to education around the world. Check out our video of partnered schools here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WkNqH7uOCY
We attract lots of teachers to our sisterhood because of their natural compassion and service, so you would definitely be at home with us as well as being encouraged by the redeeming work that we get to do in 18 nations around the world!
Here’s a link for more information: http://www.mytradesofhope.com/melaniesunukjian Please contact me if you are interested in knowing more about what it looks like to be a Compassionate Entrepreneur for Trades of Hope and I hope you find lots of peace and restoration through your summer travels. Blessings! Melanie Sunukjian
melsunuk@gmail.com 562.441.6085
Hi Melanie! Thanks for reading and for your kind words! I’ve heard (and continue to hear) from so many teachers who have been in the profession for decades that education has changed drastically.
Also, thank you for extending an opportunity to join your team. I will take a look at the links and contact you.
Best,
Marissa
Good to hear from you, Marissa. And yes, education has changed so much… How are you enjoying your summer? Are you feeling like the down time is giving you opportunity for further reflection and clarity?
And thanks for checking out Trades of Hope’s mission of empowerment and opportunity to link arms with women around the world.
Please let me know any questions you may have and if you are interested in discussing what it would look like to get involved. Blessings!
Summer is definitely the season for rejuvenation and reflection!
Best of wishes to you on your new journey. I too am a teacher (special ed – middle school, inner city) and this was not a good year for me. My school (where I’ve taught for 6 years) has changed in so many ways. Ways that do not empower the teacher nor the student (and forget about special ed!). I felt defeated this year; I was once full of life and enthusiastic about teaching. I’m tired of fighting; fighting for special ed attention, fighting to get my students invested in their learning and fighting to keep myself, my mentality in a positive realm. It’s hard. I identified with everything you touched on here. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Laura,
Thanks for reading and for sharing your experience. I can’t imagine what it’s like as a special education teacher…from the outside looking in, it’s definitely not an easy job! Good luck to you next (school) year; I hope things begin to move in a positive direction!
Marissa, I am 32 years into my education career. The last 13 in Kindergarten. I could have written so many aspects of your blog. The difference s for me are, as of April and my 54th birthday, I can retire, when I feel I can’t continue any more., and up until this year our administrator (a former K teacher ) had our backs, and I am a member of a tremendous team of 4.
Never doubt your need to make the best decision for you. . We are fond of the saying, “you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others. ” Hopefully ,you will be able to be a voice for the children wherever you land.
So many things you mention surround the current state of education. We need to be advocates for children, so that there can be a balance between teacher accountability and education as a business and children as a “product “.
Take care of yourself so you can help take care of the kids!
Lynn, Thank you for your encouraging words! I am finally putting my oxygen mask on first so I can be the best version of me for my students.
I hope the state of education moves in a positive direction. It’s great to hear that you had a supportive administrator with a background in early childhood! I think that’s a step in the right direction. For now, I hope I can find ways to advocate for students even though I’m taking a break from the classroom. Thanks again!
I am so sorry to hear this, Marissa, but can’t say I am surprised. I quit teaching on the other end of the spectrum a decade ago, in part because the working conditions were intolerable, and totally not what I had signed up for. I loved teaching (I still do), I loved my students (still do), but it was not possible to keep one’s sanity intact and/or make a living. Not at all what I had signed up for.
It’s hard to walk away from something that you love! But you have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. That’s hard to do with subpar working conditions. I hope you’ve found something new that brings you joy!
I’m the mom to a 3 year old and am so worried about him starting school. It’s so different from what I know from my days as a student. I have so many frustrated teacher friends who feel similarly to you. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you peace and success in whatever you pursue next.
Thank you! Best of luck finding a school that fits the wants and needs of your family! It sounds like you have some insider information since you have teacher friends 🙂
Education has changed so much. I don’t blame you for taking a step back.
It really has changed drastically!
loved reading this post!! I know my French teacher back at school used to always be the good of her students before hers but then she told us that it hurt her a lot so she needed to take a step back and think!
Teachers often put the needs of others before their own. It’s sad that the conditions don’t make it easier for teachers to take care of themselves and their students.
It’s really admirable that you recognized when it might be a good time to step away and take a break.
Thank you! I’m still in education, which is great…just no longer in the classroom.
The education system has changed so much and everyone’s experiences are unique! I think it’s important to do what is best for you, I bet you were an awesome teacher!
Kileen
cute & little
Thanks, Kileen! The education system really has changed. I hope to one day go back into the classroom…we shall see
I can’t imagine what a difficult decision this was for you. I’m sure it’s for the best for you. Think of all those students you’ve been able to influence and educate over the years! Yay!
Thanks, Patricia! Thinking about my students definitely kept me going all those years!
It sounds like you are making the right decision! Sometimes it is good to take a step back and reevaluate… I have had to do that with my nursing career!
A step back can be critical. I hope you’ve found something that you enjoy, Angela!
Teaching is such a tough profession. You love the kids and believe in the work, but unfortunately there’s not enough support for most teachers. My husband is taking a break from teaching, too – this will be his first fall out of the classroom. Good luck!
You’re so right, Catherine…it’s a super tough profession! I hope your husband finds something new that brings him joy!